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Sunday, March 1, 2015

Moving to March

*UPDATE*  I got completely off course in March. I ended up doing a lot of rants at the GOP/Tea Party. It was sincerely unfair to the beautiful idea that I started with and is in NO WAY affiliated with the beliefs of the author, Captain Edward Zellem

February was a suck fest. It will always start off emotionally rough because it is the anniversary of losing and burying my dad. On top of that, last month, my depression got worse. A lot worse. My doctor decided to start weaning me off of my anti-depressants so she can start me on something else because the Paxil wasn't working and the Welbutrin was literally giving me tics. My body was just inadvertently twitching. I filed for my last unemployment week this morning and haven't yet found a job. So my body and mind have kind of shut down. I am in that place where there aren't enough hours in the day to get all of the naps in I want to take. It's ridiculous, honestly. I can understand my symptoms but haven't found any resolve in areas of alleviating them.

Last month I reviewed the most wonderful book (Mataluna: 151Afghan Pashto Proverbs) and decided that I would commit the whole of month of March to reflections of the proverbs. It was a lofty undertaking as I haven't been making daily entries, but it felt like a great way to start getting into the groove of daily writing. Now it feels like it has to have been the perfect idea because of how far I have fallen recently. I am the type of person who does not commit to something and find a way to back out of it later. Had it just been a commitment to myself it would have meant nothing (yes, I am aware that I need to love myself more, but I'm not there yet).

In going through my book this morning and trying to decide which proverb to begin with I am served with an incredibly beautiful revelation. Proverbs are handed to their recipients as absolutes. My poor, tired brain works in circles. I revisit thoughts and issues for days or weeks or years. I naturally want to understand things and see every side. Although this is natural for my experience, it is destructive in my life. I can never accept things that cannot be understood. I can never forgive people who have done awful things because I can't grasp their reasoning. In my spinning mind of questions, there are no absolutes. I am more looking forward to this writing opportunity than I had been because I need to find more absolutes to fill my mind. I invite any readers to take the journey with me. A reflection, I imagine, is healthy for everyone.

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