Legacy

My childhood home had a family room with no functional familial use beyond offering a great spot for hide and seek behind the couch. It was merely the room we walked through to get to the garage whenever we went anywhere. There was a large black and white portrait hanging predominately in the center of the room that always scared me when I was young. It was of a gentleman from the 1800s who didn't look the least bit friendly. Our home had black and white pictures everywhere. For a reason I have never quite ascertained, it was very important for the images of those who came before us to be displayed throughout the home.

I was so proud when I finally asked the story of the scary man in the family room. It turned out he owned a home that had a secret basement which was a stop on the Underground Railroad. My young mind was always trying to understand, and my tender heart was always trying to differentiate between, right and wrong. There was nothing more right to me than a person making personal sacrifices to save others from the evils of slavery. I was excited to tell people that I had such a cool ancestor in my family tree. At the same time, I was aware that it wasn't really my family tree.

Having been adopted, there were never times that either I felt 100% like a member of the family or that others went out of their way to make me feel 100% like a member of the family. Because of this, I was always careful to preface any recountings of my great-great-great grandfather's story with a reminder that I had been adopted. Its pretty sad just to type that. Imagine a child excitedly telling you something about their family but believing that you needed to know it wasn't really her family. Take that revelation one step further to acknowledge that she was comfortable in that place and those who should've taught her there was no variable didn't feel it was necessary to do so.

When I was in middle school, I remember being frustrated telling my friends about my family legacy because they didn't feel like it was as cool as I did. I was even more frustrated by the fact that my family didn't seem too incredibly impressed, either. It was more of a matter-of-fact and his picture was something my mother had basically won in a family lottery of items passed down when someone or other died. The portrait was added to the wall of the room that no one really used as many other pictures of people no one could recall had been throughout the house.

To this day I wonder if my brother and sister, who were not adopted and are related by blood to this man, would be able to tell you his story. I wonder if they even remember the amazing history we were given about our family and the strength of those who came before us. It feels as if they have no knowledge or care of actual legacy whatsoever.

I recently started creating my own family tree on ancestry.com. It was a journey to see how far I could go back with the very limited information I have about my natural family (my grandmother came from Italy and I have her Americanized name). But I was really excited to see if I could work on the tree of the family I grew up with and know as my family. I was hoping to eventually get back to a place where I could learn more about this house and its place on the Underground Railroad. During my search I got several hints from the website about family members that others had in their trees and I would open them to get the information they had already found. I got a hint last week that my sister had created a family tree and I excitedly went in there figuring she would have all of the same people I did and it would make my job pretty easy. Instead, I found a family tree quite devoid of very important information. Apparently, in the legacy she is willing to leave to future generations, she did not have a sister. She had a brother, my brother. She had parents, my parents. But she did not have me.

Family?

It is really hard to imagine that a human being would want to omit a person from their history who was the sister she had grown up with; who bought her a maternity wardrobe with her first pregnancy and then flew to Virginia on New Year's when that first niece was born; and who drove to Virginia when the second niece was born. I guess not having had an actual drop of blood in that bloodline overrides any actual remembrances of sisterhood, however.

The word legacy is powerful. It reminds us of all that has come before to create and enrich all that exists in this place. The lessons one generation determines necessary to pass on to the next are inside of that legacy. The traditions of community and interdependence come from that legacy. The stories of pride and remembrance come from that legacy. Even as a child I felt not quite entitled to the legacy of what came before me. But because it was the only one I had, I wanted to claim it nonetheless. I would certainly, at least, be thoughtful about the legacy I would leave future generations. The pain of realizing that my legacy will be quite irrelevant and forgotten to those whose lives I have shared is indescribable.

The saddest part about all of this is the fact that the very members of my family who have known me my entire life and should, by now, have found a way to empathize when I explain my feelings, refuse to hear this retelling beyond waiting for the pause so they can defend themselves. But many people who are completely removed from this story with no emotional connection to me whatsoever will come much closer to understanding my pain than those who can actually witness and lessen it.

Throughout my life I have gone through phases where I would remove myself from my family completely to dispel the pain of their carelessness and intolerance. I have always allowed criticisms, both internal and external, to counter my own better judgment and reenter my family out of commitment and dedication to the thing which it was meant to be. But the truth is: It is not what it was meant to be. It is never going to be what it was meant to be. The thing that it is creates pain. And alienation. The thing that it is expects acceptance of things I find unacceptable and ignorance of things I find to be imperatives.

Loneliness is the only substitute I've found for vulnerability. Neither are exemplar. Neither are healthy. But let no one question why those are the only two alternatives I have found after considering the legacy I have been afforded.

Disability

My brain is barely working these days. I am so tired. My depression is kicking my ass. I am safe in my home. That is my cure for my anxiety and agoraphobia. My car is safe. I can go to the bank or the pharmacy or fast food. Anything with a drive thru is safe. I can't explain any of this. I feel safe at the little store at the end of the street. I think it is because I have always shopped there and I know all of the kids who work there. There are no other places that I feel safe. If I have to go anywhere else I have to mentally prepare myself for days. I visualize the place and where the doors are. I have to plan on parking in an aisle in front of the door so I can get to it quickly. When I get inside I have to be able to see the door.

I didn't realize my ability to see the door was even a problem until it was a problem. I was at Kroger. I go in the middle of the night because I know there will be very few people. I was in the frozen section and I turned my cart around to head back down the aisle and noticed that I could not see the door. My body started shaking and I had to calm myself down and steady my breathing. It was ridiculous. It pisses me off. I honestly cannot control it even though I realize it is irrational.

When my daughter picked out her wedding dress last month it was important that I go with her. I had been to that bridal shop before and I could visualize the outside and the floor plan of the inside. I could not go into the aisles with her. My breathing became short and I just shook my head to let her know I was going to have to stand at the end of the aisles and watch what she picked out. The section where people wait for the bride to come out and model the dresses was within eyeshot of the door so that went well. That was the last time I left the house until this weekend.

I have no money. Rent is due by the 5th. I own my home but not the lot. I had to have $385 to pay my rent. I have an amazing wardrobe, most of which still have the tags on them. Last year after my first panic attack and when I was starting to evaluate my depression and anxiety I realized that I had never, in my life, believed that I had any value. When I lost 175 pounds I didn't even buy clothes. I would get handed down clothes from friends or whatever fit at the thrift store. I literally had a pair of size 22 pants that I would wear when I had made it down to a 12 and I would use binder clips to fold and keep the pants up. It was ridiculous. I never thought I was worth spending money on. Ever. When my daughter went to college I really started to realize I had nothing. I had created my life around her. And then I found the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I began taking care of he and his daughter. I had value again. When the disaster happened and I had to leave my new family, I had no value again. And for the first time, I realized it. My value has always been what I can give to others. Its sick, honestly. But its true. I believe today my value is $250K because that is the life insurance policy that would pay out if I die. Seriously. Thats it.

Last year I tried to force myself to care for myself. In my entire adult life I had never had a wardrobe that I had picked out full of things that I loved and I thought I was adorable in. So I went shopping and I bought a kick ass wardrobe. I felt pretty for the first time in a very long time. I was so excited to wear my new clothes. When I went back to work my girlfriends would take pictures of me every day to show off my new clothes. I was only able to work for three weeks before I had to go back on disability because my boss was still harassing me and I ended up having four more panic attacks. That was June 23 of 2014. I have since had no reason to wear anything other than old t-shirts from when I wore a 3x and a pair of panties. I don't leave my house. So I don't need that gorgeous wardrobe.

(The tutu was not part of my new wardrobe, my friend made it for the pride parade)

Yesterday I went to a resale shop to sell my wardrobe. It was easily valued at least $5k. Most of it still had tags on them. While at the store I had to stand by the door to feel comfortable. I didn't want the lady to think I was just keeping an eye on her or trying to get her to hurry up so I told her that I have agoraphobia and am very uncomfortable in public and I apologized if I was making her uncomfortable. When it was time to check out she told me that her friend used to have agoraphobia, too. I asked how she got over it. She said, "She ran out of money and had to get a job." I cannot let that go. I cannot stop being pissed at her ignorance and her arrogance. Agoraphobia comes from anxiety. Having no capacity to pay your bills adds to your anxiety. She made it sound like her friend was being ridiculous and she finally got over herself. I felt bad for her friend. I am sure that she either didn't have agoraphobia or she was also in treatment and/or receiving medications. Either way she completely dismissed my situation as if I could just 'get over it' if things just get a little bit worse.

I am disgusted by people who just make assumptions about people the second they hear that they are on disability. A lot of people just assume that they are taking advantage of the system. Our society has been conditioned to make that assumption. I finally applied for disability with Social Security in early April of this year (the disability I was on last year was from my job and I didn't feel bad taking it because they created the entire scenario and then made it worse by HR and upper management deciding to just ignore the whole thing entirely). I could have filed March 2014. I never filed because I always figured I would be better by now. I never thought I would still be here and even worse. I have overcome all of the shit life has handed me. I always find a way. I am (was) a bad ass. I don't care anymore. I don't even want to be alive. I cannot be well in this situation and expected to leave my house and go to a job when sometimes after mentally preparing myself to go to the grocery store in the middle of the night I still have panic attacks and have to just not go. I don't have it in me to heal on my own. And, again, I have been on a waiting list for care for a very long time. I finally have an appointment at the end of this month.

The next time you hear someone say that they are on disability assume they have something wrong with them. Don't automatically determine that they are one of the people who take advantage of the system. You can be doing a sincere harm to someone who really is pretty close to just saying 'fuck it' altogether. I told the lady at the rental office that I was waiting on my disability and she looked me up and down and I just knew what she was thinking.

I don't believe that most people aspire to land on disability. I certainly didn't. And I don't mean to be on it for the rest of my life. I hope that once I start having treatment and therapy I can get myself straightened out and get back to my life. Just remember, many issues people face are not seen as they stand before you. MANY. Give people care. And support. And respect. You don't know what other people are dealing with.

Dear Media:

Dear Media:

I am a patriotic American. No. Really. I don't just use that as a cheap buzz word because my talking heads told me that I am. I love my country and I sincerely want to help bring her to a healthy place.

As such, I need for you, collectively, to acknowledge your complicity in the tragic place we are finding ourselves at this time. As America is facing so much societal unrest, our journalists are not informing their audience beyond the generic aspects which are being offered on almost all other channels. What is the point of having multiple 24/7 news outlets if there is no means of differentiation? Our politics have become ridiculous. Out of fear, you neglect to report on much of it because you don't want to be condemned as illegitimate for 'liberal bias.' Of course, by offering your audience a deliberately filtered account of facts, you are defining your work as illegitimate. But for a different reason.

In this day and age where absolutely anyone can write and build an audience (ehem), the onus is on you to be the stalwart documentarians of the true chronicle we leave to history. As such, you are failing miserably. You have allowed your messages and their means of delivery to be dictated by your competition. And, thus, you have allowed the standards by which your industry has been maintained to be lowered. Profoundly.

When something newsworthy occurs in America, it is your responsibility to ask yourselves those essential 6 questions. Write them on a sticky note and tape it to your monitor or your cameraman, if necessary. You should always realize that those are the questions your audience is looking to have answered. When you focus too much on one or neglect another, altogether, you are not offering a complete account. You are doing your own legacy and your audience a disservice.

For instance: When a riot breaks out in a city because a ball team has won or lost a championship, ask why. This will be important for future comparisons when other riots break out to create distinctions between the two. And when riots do break out in the future, don't opine to your audience about how unbelievable this is to see in our society. Don't forget to inform them of all of the other riots America has seen lately about sports teams. When protests or rioting break out in a community which has been oppressed for decades, do not spend so much of your time on the who without an in-depth look at who and then asking the most important- why. Do not offer a lazy answer about a young man being murdered by the police. The history of that city and its struggles are important pieces to building the dialogue necessary for the comprehensive understanding Americans will need to have about that young mans death. America is really losing an opportunity to understand and identify with that community.

There is no need to excitedly anticipate the next negative event to happen in the community. Another cable channel will report on that and will feel free to report on it even if it doesn't happen. Take the high road and offer your audience the respect they deserve by rising to their intellectual level. Also, in offering your audience the story of the community, please avoid using derogatory language to define the newsmakers. As a hint: if any term is used repeatedly on the Fox channel, refrain from using it, you are lowering yourselves to a level that a thoughtful audience will want to disassociate from. Fox has their own built in audience, if you want to appeal to them on their level, you are not a journalist.

When you do a story about a politician, we want to have many questions answered that seem to be negated by all news outlets: Who are they? Why are they running for office? What is their platform?  How do they intend to make changes they seek?  Presently, the politicians are directing the narrative. If they do not answer the questions America wants answered, don't send the piece to air or print. They are using you as free publicity. And you are letting them.

You are offering politicians a voice to perpetuate their rhetoric. You are neither holding them nor yourselves accountable for what knowledge Americans are being afforded about those who are hoping to shape our futures. If a politician has nothing new to say, there is no need to report on their having repeated the same thing they said the day before. Allow your budget department and management to deal with the fact that they pay for a camera, sound and a reporter to follow them around waiting for them to be interesting. If they fail to offer you anything new, do not insult your audience by giving them bullshit and calling it news.

If a politician offered an actual platform, that would certainly be newsworthy. And if their platform is wildly different than what they have been saying on the stump about their 'ideals,' it is then your responsibility, as journalists, to ask them to explain their contradictions. Out of fear, you are allowing politicians to use you as a tool to manipulate the dialogue in American discourse and lowering the expectations anyone would have of a legitimate and sincere debate. Just because their audience doesn't want to have to use critical thought, doesn't mean the rest of us don't. Lets be honest, they have their own media and aren't listening to you anyway.

If someone has written a book which has not yet been released which offers outlandish information that has not yet been substantiated, that is not news. It should not be reported as such. You have, again, lowered yourselves to the level of the Fox channel. At present, you are competing with them. They are not your competition. Your work should first and foremost be mindful of the fact that, by virtue of their having an obvious bias with opinions they have been paid to have, they are not a credible news outlet. Kindly stop behaving otherwise.

How about you stop reporting it when politicians are offering rumors? How about you use your research skills to see if there is any "there" there before you report it and offer it to the American audience? How about you go back to what you learned when studying to become a journalist and reread the definitions of "newsworthy" and "credibility"?  Repeatedly. How about you only report on it when politicians actually create news? Currently you are rewarding them like giving a bone to a dog that has just shit on your floor.  How about you start conditioning them to only get to have the free publicity when they do something that a politician should be doing? You are allowing them to dictate your narrative. And that is not journalism.

We have lost a lot of true legends in journalism lately. Have you paid attention to the many remembrances written and broadcast about them by fellow journalists? Do you ever imagine what will be said about you? Do you hope to have a phrase like "journalistic integrity" attributed to your work? As long as this shift of credible media coverage remains the norm, very few of todays journalists will be remembered for having been impartial and thoughtful.

Much more important than your legacy, however, is the legacy of America. You are recording her history every day. It looks pretty bleak, huh? What will future generations think when they research this era in history? You all have a hand in the place we find ourselves and how we will be remembered. Please start working as if that is important to you.

Not Even a Mule

My country. I always say that. I have no ownership and had no hand in its founding, but I feel bound to and responsible for it just the same.

My country is in shit shape. And it seems to be getting worse. Or better. I can't decide? Lately things have finally been coming to a head. I find it equally humbling and devastating. The Trayvon Martin murder seems to be the starting point, at least in my mind. More than just communities of color were offered pause. Every once in a while my country is given an opportunity to see what kinds of injustices communities of color have to endure. But it wasn't ever enough to make most people take a deep enough look at what was wrong. Injustice was a truth. Injustice was unfortunate. Injustice was forgotten.

But Trayvon Martin really started something different in American discourse. This was not just a child. This was a child who was doing absolutely nothing wrong. He was literally walking home from the store and a 'citizen' who was exercising his legal right to 'stand his ground' decided that this young black man was walking in a neighborhood where he had no business being and he murdered that child. And then America got to see the killer of this child go free. And then my country got pissed. Finally!

Killings of unarmed black men seemed to then happen frequently. And by law enforcement. It was as if out of nowhere police officers were acting out against the communities they were meant to be policing. That's pretty stupid, huh? It wasn't out of nowhere. It hadn't just started. My country just started finding out. Those in the communities who were being targeted, of course, have known all along. But no one was listening.

To write this blog I wanted to find the number of unarmed people of color murdered by police since the Trayvon Martin tragedy. I wanted to make sure I didn't forget any that I wanted to address. Apparently, even though I am very well informed about what is going on in my country and watch the news every night, I have been ill-informed about how large that number was. Trayvon Martin was killed on February 26, 2012. From that date, through Dec 2, 2014, 37 unarmed people of color have been murdered by police in America. And since then? It seems like we are hearing of a new one every week, doesn't it?

Since America's settlement, white men sailed to Africa to steal its citizens. They were enslaved. They were forced to build this country. They were raped. And beaten. And murdered. In my country, children are given that as a matter-of-fact in history class, tested on it, and moved to the next lesson. Yep. It happened. Betsy Ross made a flag, too.

In the 1860s the slaves were offered freedom and then an Amendment was added to the Constitution to define their rights to their own bodies. During Reconstruction, freed slaves were told they would get 40 acres and a god damned mule. They received neither. They were told they were free and offered no means to build on that freedom. Millions of people were given absolutely nothing and nowhere to live and no means to provide for their families. And that was defined as freedom. Many ended up remaining as slaves with no money or property or means of migration. Opportunities to build from that place were few. As was true then, it is still true today. America doesn't have enough bootstraps to go around. And people refuse to acknowledge that.

Communities of color have always been punching bags for white America. They have been offered as the excuse for all issues imaginable from war to poverty to taxation. White America created the problem and then demands that its victims fix it themselves. Until white Americans get the fuck over themselves and offer everyone the equality in law and in respect that all human beings deserve, how can anyone be expected to rise? The truth? The basest among us don't want them to rise. Those base level human beings like to have others to condemn. They like to have someone that they see as being lesser than they are. But do you know what base? By virtue of attributing someone's value beneath your own, you are the lesser person. Every time. Period.

When the information about Freddie Gray was released on the news, many of these base individuals had the same reaction on social media. "Great! You know they are going to riot now." Really? Do you think "they" are going to riot now? It is not common to see riots. And whenever these riots have happened it has not been out of nowhere. Riots have not been unprovoked. Riots have always happened when the injustices are so blatant and still unresolved that some people (not all as your pronoun 'they' would define) just lose their shit. I dare say if societal roles were reversed, this whole country would've gone up in flames a long time ago.

You want to talk shit about an entire community who every once in a while stands up in a violent manner when their frustrations reach a boiling point? Let me remind you of this, motherfucker ... You are forever demanding first and foremost that your country allows you a means of defending yourself and maintaining your right to bear arms. You are forever demanding that we remember your right to build a militia to raise up against your country if you ever feel your rights are not being adhered to. You are always itching to raise militias for assholes who want to burn children and families in a cult or who want to use protected American lands and not be penalized for it. Not only do you prove your profound ignorance by supporting only the craziest of people, you prove your desperation to rise up in rage to demand the legal outcome you think is fair. But you think the black community doesn't deserve to rise up when innocent men are killed by authority. Your militias wanted to rise up against the entire Federal Government for Waco. And Ruby Ridge. And Cliven Bundy. And NAFTA. Really?

I saw on the news this morning that the Bloods and the Crips were going to join together in Baltimore and not against one another. The story said that the same thing happened in Ferguson. There's nothing lovely about gang violence, but unity is beautiful. Especially because these kids who are so angry and have been pointing it back at themselves for so long finally feel strong enough to unite and point their anger where it belongs. I am certainly not saying that police and businesses are the enemy. But society, as a whole, is.

Society, in 2015, which accepts murders of unarmed black men deserves to have its ass kicked. Society, in 2015, which anticipates a calming down after each of these men are murdered and people move on, deserves to get its ass kicked. Society, in 2015, which does not hold its media accountable for neglecting to report on the many more murders of unarmed people of color by police officers, deserves to get its ass kicked. Society, in 2015, which embraces any police force with repeated violations against its citizenry, deserves to get its ass kicked.

Maybe this will be the last time. Maybe this time enough people will ask themselves the right questions and not point their outrage to the television screen at angry strangers whose needs have been ignored for centuries. Maybe this time Americans will ask themselves why this continues to happen and acknowledge the truth behind the question and their own complicity in its endurance.

Not for Today

I had a sincerely beautiful idea to reflect on the Afghan Proverbs every day this month to work on my own progress with self-reflection. I failed myself, which I can accept. Sometimes our own progress can be hindered by our own neglect. It doesn't mean we stop working toward our goals, but it does require a pause to reassess. The part that upsets me most is that I wanted to honor the inspirational book that I reviewed in February, Mataluna: 151 Afghan Pashto Proverbs (see blog here). The aspect of the book which I found most beautiful was its seamless capacity to unite communities and their ideals. Instead of looking at the universal truths and applying them to my own understandings and search for personal growth, I ended up pointing my reflections outward on others, in a negative and disrespectful manner. It was in complete contrast to, not only my own mission, but, more importantly, the message of the book itself.

I have lost track of my purpose and decided to revisit this personal challenge in the future once I have found more personal growth. I think I might need to work more on the contours of my own world before I can sincerely delve into its depths and build from inside.

Give Me Liberty. Thanks.

It is so refreshing to see that todays young women are having an awakening and finding their own voices and still demanding equality. This generation was said to be growing up to be selfish and narrow minded. As a middle aged woman who is aware of the struggles of the suffrage movement and knows of the fights still needing to go on, I am elated to see that the torch is still being carried. As a mother of a young woman of this blossoming generation, I kind of feel a maternal pride for the young women who were going to the conference this weekend and I was looking forward to hearing about it. So, without thinking, I went to see if any of them had posted about their experiences when I saw it was a trending topic on Twitter. Yeah...

I have little patience for people who are small minded and nasty. I think I have made that abundantly clear by now. I have always been curious about the people who look around this whole wide world, see the things that are wrong with it, can find nothing that is really appalling enough to fight for and then find a cause that speaks to them, which happens to be a non-cause. They make things up to be upset about because something offends them at such a personal level that they, pretty much, lose their shit. I ran into some of them immediately in the trending feed and they challenged me, men and women, to give them just one right that women don't have. I'll do you one better. How about I give you just one right that women DO have?

I will only give a brief synopsis here, though, because those looking to believe feminism is a joke will not be swayed. They are too desperate to hold on to their belief in their own superiority.

The ERA (Equal Rights Amendment) passed to be a Constitutional Amendment back in the 20s and it said that no laws could be denied to anyone because of their gender. It was never ratified by enough states. For decades women tried to get it passed but were never able to get the necessary number of states to ratify it. So, now, in 2015, we still do not have an Equal Rights Amendment. And the only right that is guaranteed to women under the Constitution is the right to vote.

But, whatever ...

As it turns out, there is a gentleman who is having quite a fit about feminism on Twitter. His user name is (get ready for it) MensHumanRights. Yeah. He thinks it is wrong for women to be fighting for equality. He wants me to tell him about which rights women lack. I don't know. If I take the time to do it will you send me a meme and call me an ugly name (like "twat," which he has already used today)? He is, of course, a moron. But he chooses to be. Its hardly my problem. He is intimidated by women. I don't know what awful childhood he endured at the hands of women or if his father sincerely hated women and just passed it on to him. But what I do know is we live in 2015. And there are a myriad of issues on the agenda this weekend for these amazing young ladies that he would know nothing about because he is small minded and still gets a hard on whenever he hears the term #FemiNazi.

What is worse than the men who condemn women for demanding equality? The women who proudly scream "Im not a feminist! Feminism is stupid. Men and women need to all be equal." Right, because the feminist movement is about finding superiority over men. They might just as well be screaming, "Look at me! I need attention! See? I'm cool! I think feminism is stupid, too."

So what is this movement and why are little men so afraid of it? And why are women who are insecure and begging for attention so desperate to run from it? It is a movement that seeks to create an equal, safer world for women. This movement is passionate about women having the same Constitutional rights as men. Pretty rough shit, huh? Whiners. Shut up and be happy we let you vote.

But do you know what the worst part of the movement is for these insecure men?  Its about choice. They are so pissed off at the idea that a woman should be allowed to have an abortion that they absolutely lose their minds. My personal theory is that there is something inherently offensive to the alpha-male about the fact that not only do women give life, but they have the chance to take it, as well. "That is a power only God should have. No woman should have it. We men are supposed to be superior to women and that is in complete contradiction to my theory."  To fight a woman's right to choose they define themselves as "pro-life." (I will go on and on and on next month about how obviously most who claim they are pro-life are not. But when I deviate, I often don't make my way back). Of course, choice is not about life. Choice is just about that. Choice. And men with small minds (and, I assume, other small parts) cannot allow a woman to have that power. That power should only be in the hands of God.

I expect some men to get upset about feminism. There will always be a handful of immature men who have not evolved who are completely intimidated by the movement and sit around fearing that whites will eventually be a minority and immigrants are stealing their jobs and gays getting married are ruining their marriages and women want to have equal rights. They like to have things to complain about and people to blame their lot in life on. That's fine. But the women? That is truly a shame. What is running through their minds? "I'm so proud to say I'm not a feminist. I don't want equality. I have my right to vote, what else do I need? And you know what? If those women in the middle east don't want to get their heads cut off for an accusation of adultery, then they shouldn't cheat. And the countries in the world where girls don't get an education? Too bad. Their parents should've moved somewhere else. What do I care? I can really only be bothered to think about a handful of things at a time and, presently, Kim Kardashian is posting pictures of her new hair cut and Kendrick Lamar has a new download. So I'm not a feminist and any one who says they are a feminist is stupid."

Yep. That was shitty of me. But that is how I see you. How dare you allow people to dismiss a movement that is so obviously trying to guarantee your rights and those of American women and women all around the world? You don't have to go to the rallies and sign the petitions, but to talk shit about the people who do? Honestly, you really should check yourself.

But let's be honest, the young women of today who aren't paying attention really have no idea what suffrage is and what opportunities it affords them. They take a lot for granted. You have to wonder what these young women would think if they needed an abortion in one of the states where they no longer can. Or what if they got raped in one of the many states who haven't run the rape kits yet and their rapist gets away? What happens when they enter the workforce and get started on a career only to find that the young man who started the same day with the same credentials makes 25% more than they do?

The feminist movement is about a lot of things that are still unequal in society. Not only are they still fighting for abortions, to be allowed to have a medical procedure on their bodies (In America. In 2015), but the feminist movement is also concerned about the human trafficking epidemic in America that seems to be tolerated by so many. The movement is trying desperately to find resolution to the profound backlog of rape kits across America. The funding for this has been made available (and many states have misappropriated) ever since a national database was available to track DNA. Most states have a 7 year statue of limitations on prosecution for rape. Every year that passes with nothing being done, more rapists go free and more women live in fear for their rapists having never been convicted. The movement is concerned about violence against women and of violence against women on college campuses. And the movement is out fighting for LGBT rights, too (yep, fighting for equality for men!).

Thankfully, as the feminist movement is moving forward and the younger generation is coming to understand its importance, so are the men. I remember when I was a young mother and I went to my first NOW convention. I saw a feminist quote from Alan Alda. I thought that was about the coolest thing ever. It was a while before I found out that feminist men were really a thing. Now, even if most men don't identify as a feminist, the majority would think someone who belittled a woman for being one would be an asshole. So, I think we're getting there.

UPDATE: of all of the pieces I've written in attempts to really make people think, this has created the most controversy by both men and women who insisted what I said about women's Constitutional rights was a lie. Yes, it is funny that many people will drop an easy three letter word instead of research something, but willful ignorance does require both a lack of curiosity and resourcefulness.

Having said that, please follow:
http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2015/04/09/south_carolina_we_can_discriminate_against_women_so_why_not_gays.html

We Can't All Be Rembrandts

Literal: The labor of one's own hand is beautiful

It's been pretty heavy lately here in Brillville and when I read this proverb I had a bit of a chuckle. So it felt like a nice place to end the week.

I became sincerely interested in art when our French III class in high school took a quarter off and learned about Impressionism and the styles and artists which evolved from the movement. The lessons have always stayed with me.  I took Audrey to the Met when she was 12 and I was interested to see how many of my lessons I would recall. I taught her about Degas' jockey silks and ballerinas, Monet's study of light, and how Matisse had gone to Tahiti for inspiration. I explained the folds in Cezanne's table cloths and I was able to show her the profound dedication that would be required while teaching her about the invention of Pointillism. I had always remembered the nickname "Seurat the Dot" but had never been able to see it up close to really appreciate the magnificence. I couldn't believe how much of it I still held on to from so many years prior. Of course, the story of Van Gogh and the possibility of his having cut his own ear off for having heard voices is the thing that excited Audrey the most. After all of the wonderful things we had viewed that day, many I had anxiously waited years to see, she picked a book from the Museum gift store about a guy because he had cut off his ear.

It was always important for me to give Audrey a genuine appreciation for the amazing talents people had been able to foster in their lives, whenever possible. We went to countless musicals where we had memorized every word to every song long before we sat down and then tried desperately to be quiet throughout the show so our neighbors wouldn't hate us. We went to the symphony and the ballet a few times, where, I do believe, one of us was way more transfixed than the other (wink). But she was always grateful for the opportunity to get dressed up and have a new experience. I am proud, looking back, that I chose to find the money to give her those opportunities in lieu of whatever may have been going on at the time. I know that their impressions were long lasting and will be passed on to my grandchildren one day. At present, they are being passed on to her fiance. I'm not entirely sure that he appreciates it quite as much as she does, but he is a good sport about it.

Sadly, however, I have never had a single knack for creating things of beauty myself. Audrey will still manage a belly laugh when remembering my attempts at creating her Madeline costume in kindergarten or making a simple alteration to a dress for a 4th grade play where I completely and literally ruined the dress. That poor kid!

When she was ready for a big girl bed I found all used wooden pieces of furniture and sanded them and painted them in the prettiest pastels. I had to get stitches because I got frustrated and used a razor blade when sanding became tedious. Then when she was in 5th grade and had to create a boat out of wood that would float for a full minute carrying 1 pound weight without sinking, I managed more stitches. We tried popsicle sticks, then toothpicks and finally gave up and got a block of wood from the hobby store and a wood knife. I managed to slit my own wrist trying to do a child's science project.

Repeatedly in my 22 years as a devoted mother I have been able to prove that I have no business building or creating things with my hands. There is something beautiful in all of those efforts, however. The intent truly was lovely. I knew in my minds eye just what would make something perfect and my heart wanted to do the best that I could. As much as Audrey has quite a few "Oh Mommy!?" stories, she also has memories of her mommy trying to do something special for her. And she never suffered for any of my creative failings, so I will call it a success.


CORRECTION: I did manage to create one thing that is absolutely beautiful.

Our Evolution

Literal: A jewel cannot be hidden for long

(A person or thing with special skills, talents or qualities is like a bright jewel, and cannot be hidden for long. One day these virtues will be seen by everyone).



I have a theory that I've been forming for a long time. It is completely based on supposition and I would never have any capacity to really research it, but I think about it often. I will try to explain it here and it may end up being interesting. And it may end up going in circles, as my mind tends to do.

A look at the rules and confines of our society would easily prove that we are very limited in what we will accept or acknowledge from others. If someone says they are clairvoyant, many will think they are a liar. It is quickly dismissed. But I always then ask why these people cannot be clairvoyant? If I am sitting in the cafeteria at work having a discussion with friends and someone says that an Olympian broke a men's long jump record and went 9 meters, my first reaction would be to ask, "How far is that in feet?" But what if, after being told that was nearly 30 feet I denied that it was possible? What if I countered by telling my friends that it is impossible for someone to jump that far, because I can't do it? I would be an ass.

We have a lot of those types of limitations in society. But I can be shown a video and then understand that, apparently, other people can jump farther than I can. Why can't we then accept that maybe other people have gifts that we don't have that can't be proved? No offense to some people but the existence of God is an idea that is generally accepted and no one can prove that. But it is acceptable in almost any circle of our society to talk about God as a matter of fact and not be dismissed. You will rarely find that kind of acceptance for ideas like telepathy, clairvoyance or astral projection. The people who tell us that they experience these phenomena are usually quickly ostracized and ignored. Society has conditioned itself to think this way because the majority of people do not have these abilities. It is frightening to imagine another human being having so much power, because that is what it would be. We accept other types of power that many of us lack, however. We allow people to have physical power or financial or even spiritual power. But most people will not accept that someone can have a special ability that would allow them to see the world in a way that is in complete contradiction to their own. But the majority of people couldn't jump half the length of the current world record holders, and we accept that others can.

Likewise there are very strict ideas in our culture about intelligence that are limiting, I think. We surely need a way to test for intelligence and determine ones capacity to learn to make sure that information is being received and understood or applied properly in a learning environment, but the way we are expected to think is very narrow. Most things we are given as facts. It used to be a fact that the world was flat. Until it wasn't. Because humans are inherently arrogant, I wonder how many truths we miss finding because we have already settled on them and never questioned ourselves again.

Personally, I have always struggled in math. To this day, when I am figuring out some things my brain takes a path that is natural for me and foreign for others. It exhausted teachers because it was not the correct way to do it. Never mind the fact that the answer was right. If I were given a problem, say, where I needed to determine 30% of 250, I would first analyze the easiest route which is that 200 is 2 100s, then I would do the math first for 100 where 30% is 30. There are 2 100s in 200 so I double the 30 for 60. For the 50, I would take half of my 30, which is 15 and add that to 60 to get 75. That was too many steps. I had a teacher in 8th grade who would get frustrated that I didn't do it the way he taught me. But the way he tried to teach me didn't make sense to me and he refused to allow me to get there my way. Incidentally, 8th grade was the last time I believed I could do math. Thanks, Dude.

So we all receive and process information differently. If our society deems only a single way to comprehend data as valid, what are we missing out on? What brilliant minds are out there thinking about incredible ideas that we have labeled with something considered negative and told them that they are wrong? Then what of people with autism? Studies of prodigies have found connections to higher functioning (I hate that classification and am sorry to use it here, honestly) autistic people as having had a much higher number of family members with similar diagnoses than those of Americans at large. So these genuinely gifted and brilliant people have an actual trait in their families where autism is found. But most of our autistic children are deemed "special needs," which in our society is a negative. It then becomes necessary to train them to conform to our world. That structure would be counterproductive if we were trying to appreciate their differences and learn from them.

It seems to me that if a group of people are put into a single box and then you let a handful out and say they are high-functioning you lose out on discovering what the differences are in the way that those left behind think. Maybe they have something brilliant to teach us but we are too busy painting them with a broad brush and ignoring their minds where we could learn from them. Maybe it is our responsibility to find a new way to communicate to them so we can not only learn from them, but help to relieve the anxiety they must suffer from while being so incredibly misunderstood.

We are very comfortable being sure of our own superiority. Maybe we are inferior. Maybe there are groups of people who have evolved or are evolving and we refuse to see their gifts. Many would think it absurd to attempt to learn from those with autism or would dismiss the idea that a person can help you communicate with a loved one who has passed. I am certain that, because of our arrogance, the human race misses out on a lot of opportunities for growth. And that is, ultimately, where we miss out on a lot of beauty.


***I hope that no parent or loved one of a person with autism reads this and finds offense. I do not discount anyone's experiences or frustrations. I am speaking in generalities and wishing we could all embrace those who are different and believe that we could learn from them and grow from trying to find value in all things that we presently don't understand.***

I Know You Are ...

Literal: Respect others in order to be respected.


I imagine this proverb is found in most cultures. It is so simple. Right? It would be much simpler if it were not just universally accepted, but universally practiced. I have lamented for days about the TeaParty. And they have kind of exceeded even my expectations of how low a person can go in order to win an argument. That is not to say, however, that we were ever having the same argument. Any fact offered is generally met with something to the level of, "Nu'huh. You are." One guy was good enough to rewrite the Bible for me today to justify his disdain for the poor. I'm sure Jesus appreciated his efforts. That was probably an oversight or mistranslation. Many will send you a clever meme to make a point. When, exactly, did a meme become such a valid piece of evidence in a debate? It then hit me. This is not a debate. This is a game.

I can't play games. As with most things in life, I take politics too seriously. In January I took a look at the controversy over the movie American Sniper (see blog here) where I tried to start my reflection from the center. I am generally pretty left on a lot of things, but when I hear people talk shit about soldiers and vets, I get pretty pissed. I could understand the controversy about what a sniper does and the fact that he said he did not regret it, but I could also go deeper and realize that he would have to think that way to exist. I also realized that he was saying this after many tours and any PTSD that he may have been suffering from would be veiled under a demeanor that could say nothing else. I concluded that his job is very necessary these days. In my deliberate attempt to start from the center, I was quite proud of my ability to remain there throughout. I determined that this was going to be the way I would approach all things in the future. I would always want to really dig into the mindset of the opposition so that I could have a level and respectful dialogue.

Respectful dialogue is impossible, however, with the Tea Party fanatics. They don't want to debate or discuss, they just want to fight. And, I will admit, I do play along. In general, I am a lovely human being. But if you ask me to be a bitch, I will oblige. I think I am guilty of baiting them, too. I'm sure I am, actually. I discuss something that is an actual fact and complete my contention by letting them know they are stupid. Its mean. It really is. I never judge people for things about themselves that they can't help. That is, by the way, why I am a Liberal.

These fanatics can't help that they are stupid. But they can help that they are mean. And they choose to be vile. Some of my little hashtags on my profile say #Adoptee #AnxietyDisorder #Depression #Feminist. And my profile line, which is a joke to anyone with just a hint of a sense of humor, states that I am unemployed (I am unemployed, but its only in my profile because I was making light of it). Oh Holy Shit do they have a field day with that information. Since I've been a kid I have been really funny about whose judgment I am willing to receive. Basically, if you aren't one of the handful of people in my life that I am really living for, I don't care about your opinions. I doubt that I would have listed any of the things in my profile if I were vulnerable about them. Of course, they don't know that. And someone with less self-esteem could really be hurt by their shit.

One guy, after seeing that I have depression suggested that I drink bleach. I am adorable. It went straight over my head. I asked why anyone would want to drink bleach, it sounded so stupid. He then explained that I should kill myself. Charming. Another suggested, due to my having been adopted, that it was a shame my mother couldn't afford an abortion. Brilliant. Countless have criticized me in the last couple of days for being unemployed and demanded my shame for taking up their hard earned tax dollars. Ok. My favorite though, was a guy who said things about my mother doing sex acts with him. I cannot explain the acts or his assertion though, because the sentence made no sense. I went back to find it and I think he has blocked me.

But honestly, this is how they have a discussion. Why discuss the issues? Just try to hurt someone's feelings and consider it a victory! It boggles my mind. How do they function in society? How do their families bear them during the holidays? How much hate can one soul embrace? It really is sad. I often tell them that I feel bad for them. And I do.

When they aren't throwing barbs, they are posting memes. I guess that it doesn't occur to them that the best way to prove my point of your having been conditioned to believe what you do is to send me the talking points you have been sent. One of my more brilliant arguments today was with a guy who was working hard to convince me that the Dems are racist. Its one of their new talking points in this opposite world they don't question. He sent me this meme to make his point, asking me what part of this wasn't racist.

To which I (obviously) replied: "The part where he's stating a fact. Moron. Acknowledging that racism existed isn't racist. Denying it, however, is." Great. That should give him pause. Of course not. His reply was (sigh): "Get a job Angie I'm tired of supporting dumb asses like you with my tax $." Well played, sir. I think you've made your point.

Another fine gentleman decided that my contention about the Tea Party using Goebbels' tactics was absolutely ridiculous. He sent me this:

I have absolutely no idea how to respond to that. How could anyone be expected to even attempt a dialogue with someone who implied that poor Joseph Goebbels has been falsely accused throughout history?

I don't know. It goes on and on. It took me a single day to realize that trying to have conversations would not be useful. I thought that if I challenged them and asked them to support what they were saying it might give them pause. But they have been so well conditioned that they have an answer for everything. And the worst part is, their answer is, quite often, the exact opposite of the truth. This should prove my point:

There is nothing you can do with a group of people who actually believe every single thing they are told. But I still think they are the minority. I still think there are a lot of people out there who don't realize that the "R" on their ballot really represents a "T." If we could find a way to get the message to them in the next year and a half, we might be able to get our country back on track.

I do, quite sincerely, respect everyone. At first. I am often let down later, however, because I assume everyone I meet is a nice person. And I do believe that if you don't treat others with respect that you shouldn't expect to receive it in return. From now on, I will gladly concede any respect I believe I am due when dealing with the fanatics on the right. Its exhausting to work out how they think and why they behave the way they do. I guess everyone who said its best to just ignore them was right. But my bleeding liberal heart still wants to fix them. Poor Angie.

Brainwash. Rinse. Repeat.

As a person who is quite contemplative and thoughtful, and who has suffered repercussions for it many times, I have found myself questioning if there is truth to our own proverb "Ignorance is bliss." I have had an opportunity to have that smack me in the face repeatedly over the last couple of months as I became more familiar with and involved in social media. Like many, I have always been puzzled by the people who are passionately bound to ideas that are so obviously untrue. The majority of people who are paying attention can see the propaganda ploys that the uneducated are trapped by. I wonder if they are repeating these untruths because they sincerely believe them or because they desperately want to believe them?

Today the Tea Party is telling its followers, who then repeat, ideas that are absolutely ludicrous. They are all over social media telling others that Liberals are racist. It's kind of incredible, really. They will not be swayed by facts, though. They, quite obviously, don't need those. When you confront them with and ask them to consider America's history on race, they won't hear you. That is the beauty of ignorance. A person with no curiosity can absolutely be convinced of anything. And I cannot imagine a better group of people to unite and form a backward political party around.

As a part of my research for personal understanding into how their manipulation works, I went looking for Tea Party blogs. Yes, they are just what you would imagine: full of words that are either woefully misspelled or don't exist in the English language, hate speech at its most vile, condemnation for everything the President does or says, condemnation of anything in society that is deemed remotely liberal, condemnation of entire groups of people, praise for Jesus Christ (yes, that is funny) and an absolute lack of morality while praising that very same good Lord's name.

This is all part of a finely tuned narrative and its means of delivery. The very dimmest of the followers who are only looking for hate and unity are able to go to the internet and promote misinformation all day long. If you are not a curious person and someone tells you that your party has always been the one that has promoted and encouraged equality, you happily accept that as truth and think, "Damn straight!" You will not ask yourself why you and the rest of the party faithful have been posting the most racist things imaginable about our President, or black communities, or immigrants, or Muslims (I know that Muslims are part of a religious group, and I sincerely apologize for generalizing for space, please accept my acknowledgement as a means to make a point about people who don't know the difference anyway). Likewise, these same followers will gladly discuss and demand that Liberals hate Jews. They do not ask themselves, "Wait, don't I hate Jews? Wasn't that part of my conditioning in the beginning that led me to loving this party? We are supposed to hate Jews, right?" Nope. They just wash their brains, rinse, repeat.

The Tea Party's new found love for Jews is startling, to be sure. The Tea Party, after all, calls Ron Paul its "father." And he is a noted anti-Semite. But the rhetoric started changing around the same time the party realized it was going to have to reach out to voters beyond their usual demographic (White. Christian. Male). I can't imagine how confusing it must have been for the party faithful to have to just change their opinions on a dime. But it was done, masterfully.

Research on blogs will take you back in time where, seemingly out of nowhere, those commenting with any anti-Semitic speech were quickly ostracized by those in their party. Poor. Stupid. Hateful. Bastards. God! How confusing for them! As recently as 2010, the RNC had all kinds of hate speech on its Facebook wall saying that Israel was responsible for 9/11 and that we needed to rise up against the Zionist Jews who were controlling our country. But they don’t question it. “So? I love Jews now. And Obama and the liberals hate them? Okay. I will need more talking points though, because my old ones are obviously outdated.”

Of course, this change in direction had even more to do with the party's expanded belief (of Republicans at large, as well) to have more war. Always. They took up the cause of Israel because they could see a brand new war on the horizon. A war full of glorious defense contracts and rallies of patriotism to garner even more misled followers. But, again, only their leadership could actually see what was going on.

I have been absolutely confounded with this world of opposites I have found online. Although I can understand tools of propaganda and marvel at their brilliant use here in America, it still leaves me dumbfounded. And it leaves me with questions I haven't found answers to. I don't know how America can progress with these people having the voice that they do in society. Because the left is more educated and more thoughtful, they don't engage in arguments with these Tea Partiers. They feel it is beneath them. But, at present, the louder voice ends up as the only one really being heard.

The party has been so adept at spinning non-facts that they have managed to get the media to focus on them in a way that makes them look larger than they are. Initially they used the idea of "Liberal Media" as a means of intimidation. When any media outlet would report anything negative about anyone on the right, they were publicly dismissed and denounced for bias. Now many of those media outlets go out of their way to tell their stories with a more centered tone, regardless of whether or not the story warrants it. When the right consistently stymie all attempts at legislation, the media should be reporting on that without fear of retribution. When Americans who get their news at 6:30 for a half hour with their dinner aren't given the whole story, you validate the contention that you are illegitimate. But not for the reasons the jackasses on the right say you are. The not-so Liberal media should define causation when laws don't get passed and nominees don't get confirmed. Americans deserve to know why a sex-trafficking bill is being hindered by the right. They should be allowed their outrage when understanding the stance the right is taking on this important issue because they want to limit abortion rights to those victims. If we have a freedom of the press, and the objective of that press is to inform Americans, they are doing everyone a disservice. But they don't for fear of being called Liberal. The right has actually manipulated the media into helping their cause.

Because of the fear in the media to report stories properly and because the left is too passive to fight back, the Tea Party has been able to work their propaganda ploy with amazing precision. If the objectives and tactics on the left don't change, it will only continue to get worse. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who consider themselves Republicans who are not getting the whole picture and don't pay close enough attention that would be mortified to see how their party has been hijacked. I happen to know some of those Republicans who walk in to voting booths, check the Rs and go home.

What did the passive intellectuals see and ignore in the 20s and 30s that allowed the Nazi party to become what it was? And how did they feel about themselves by the mid-40s? I'm sure it seems outlandish to some, to liken the Tea Party and the Nazi party, but those who know the history will easily draw the same connections that I have. As long as we continue to ignore them and allow them to have this voice, we give them the power to build it for as long as they need, and to whichever ends they seek.

While the propagandists on the right are monopolizing every facet of American media to manipulate the stories and their spin, the left are sitting there taking the high road so as to not lower themselves to the level of the right. Because we have actual facts, the kind that can be supported with documentation that actually exists and not just memes created to excite those who can't be bothered to read, we could go a long way in this fight toward bringing some sense and normalcy back to these debates. But as long as we allow them to prater on as if no one is listening, we allow them to prater on where many others actually are listening. We are, by virtue of our history and moral platform, on the high road. But trying to prove it to people who aren't paying attention anyway is getting us nowhere.

As much as their leadership likes to take advantage of their ignorance, we would do well
to consider doing the same. Apparently, they don't mind.

They Got Their "Facts" From the Radio, Too

The Tea Party is such a puzzle to me. I have always been curious about sociology. I want to know why people do the things they do. It has always been something that has both fascinated and tortured me. As a child my mind could not accept that slavery was a thing. I couldn't understand how people could steal other human beings and force them to leave their families and their homes and work and be abused and actually be owned by other people. I could not understand it. Likewise, when I learned about the Holocaust, I pretty much lost my shit. I think they are equally tragic. They both were attempts at a decimation of a large group of people. Both were exploited as a workforce for no pay. And both groups ended up being murdered in the most horrific means imaginable and their plights were both ignored for far too long by people who should have done right as human beings.

I think the Holocaust was more painful for me because its introduction to me was by video. I literally saw naked, skin and bone dead bodies in a pile being bulldozered into a huge pit. After that, there were many videos and lessons to come. I remember when we read the Diary of Anne Frank I could not get past the fact that it was one family. Of the millions of families who were safe in these countries during this time, so few did anything to help their friends and neighbors. I was bound to learn how that could happen. I needed an answer that would explain to me how millions of people could be so easily led into a situation like the one they were in and not have an uprising or do anything to help.

There are some things that end up being awful but are morally questionable at first where people could not see what was coming. This was not one of them. The beginnings of the involvement of the citizens was called The Night of the Broken Glass. I believe it was 94 or 96 Jews were killed that night. The citizenry was encouraged to go out in the streets and destroy the synagogues and homes and businesses of the Jews and beat them. AND THEY DID IT. Many tens of thousands of Jews were then deported to the concentration camps.

The more I researched the more I was sickened and disgusted with humanity. I believe that most people are born with a strong understanding of the difference between right and wrong. There are a handful of people that probably come broken or are led there, but most know what is right. The fact that an entire nation (and eventually many more nations) went along with years of this atrocity and did nothing about it was absolutely unfathomable.

When I learned about Goebbels, I was fascinated. And mortified. I am sure that propaganda has been used on some level in history in many places for many reasons. But I think he found the exact recipe to actually get all of the people to go along with it. And he patiently took the time to build it so the messages would seep in and become a part of someone's permanent mindset. He studied people and their weaknesses. He understood the ways to use fear and German Exceptionalism and intimidation. He used all means of media available to him at the time: TV, radio, newspapers and even the movies people watched. He carefully crafted the information that the citizens were receiving and even things that the students were being taught in schools. He literally created a citizenry that believed in what they were doing, regardless of the fact that it was against every hint of morality they had been born with.

Those carefully crafted propaganda ploys have been studied and implemented ever since the techniques were mastered in the 30s and 40s. At present, a small faction of the American population is under a similar misconception by those who are leading them. They claim to be demanding changes in our country to make it better for its citizens and more like the Christian nation they seek, but they are being diverted from seeing the fact that everything they are seeking is in complete contradiction with the teachings of Jesus Christ. They hate the Muslims. They hate gays. They hate black "thugs." They hate poor people who need assistance.  Jesus was totally serious about that bit where no one should be judging others lest they be judged. What? Do they think that was a misprint? But, whatever. Jesus never hated anyone, by the way. Jesus would never demand that immigrants be forced to leave and return to a violent homeland. I'm just sure of it. Didn't he love all the little children of the world?  Or was that someone else? And I feel confident saying that Jesus would not encourage anyone to rally for gun rights. I'd bet he wouldn't like weapons at all.

I am not a Christian. I was confirmed in the Methodist Church when I was 13 but it was because I was a kid and that was what my family told me to do. I grew up and decided that none of the religions completely convinced me or spoke to me and I now identify as an Agnostic. I have genuine respect for Christians, though. True Christians, anyway. There are people of all faiths who sincerely do their best every day trying to follow the tenets of their religion to be the best person that they can be and honor those teachings. It is a lovely way to live and a nice guide, when necessary. I do not respect people who conflate the teachings to fit their own agendas and exploit the weak who cannot see the truth. There are many groups who do that overseas like Isis and Al Qaeda and Boko Haram. They have fuckered up their religion beyond recognition. The Tea Party has done the same with Christianity.

I am an empathetic person and I always aspire to understand people and help them when I can. I do not need for there to be a hell to want to be a good person. I want to be a part of a positive change in the world in helping people in need when I can, and accepting them when I cannot.

The sad truth is that some of us want to understand the weaknesses of others so we can reach them and help them. And some want to understand people so they can manipulate them and exploit their weaknesses.

Absolutely. Jesus Hated Everyone, Too.

You really have to hope she doesn't know what tea bagging means. I'm pretty sure Jesus would rather she didn't.

The above proverb immediately brought to mind the Tea Party movement. This group was initially created as a libertarian alternative to the GOP, but was quickly hijacked and has since focused none of its policies on those ideals. They quickly found a following in response to America's having even considered electing a black President. This consideration was bad enough, to be sure, but when he was actually elected, they completely lost their shit. Their leaders had a very singular objective: ruin this presidency at all costs. They met immediately upon his inauguration and decided that, no matter what, they would derail every one of his priorities. The right has always had the capacity to create chaos out of nothing, but not with the passion and unbridled hate that they began displaying at this time.

Out of desperation to ruin this President, they showed they were willing to do anything, including a decimation of their own reputations. They created a political movement that would be able to exist on the narrow agenda their politicians campaign on. To my mind, there are three types of Tea Partiers: there are the benefactors who benefit from the election of those who espouse the party's ideology, there are accidental members who vote for them whether or not they really understand or hear their campaigns (I associate those with people who generally walk in to a voting booth, check all of the "R"s and go home), and those who are activists. The activists are the ones who are out there with poorly spelled signs and who rally against their best interests every time they are given an opportunity. The accidental members are those who are ruining it for the rest of us. They literally have no idea what is going on and most of them, if they did, would no longer be voting for the Rs. The benefactors are mainly the wealthiest of Americans who find great relief in the movement because they have identified a large group of people who will always go to the polls and vote for whatever and whomever they are told. All they need to do is offer them leadership who spews as much hate as they do about the same things and they are a lock. Easy enough. So they fund those politicians and make sure they are on all of the news shows screaming as much nonsense as they possibly can. Not only does this get their base riled up, but it keeps their ideas in the news. This rhetoric is repeated and Americans soon become desensitized to it and consider it commonplace to hear people call their President the N-word. And that is really important in order to keep their constituency happy. And it is also very easy. They have their own cable network with the word "news" in its title, after all. And 77% of the Tea Party activists watch it exclusively.

It was very easy for the Tea Party to find an activist following because they spat out all of the ugly things that society deemed unacceptable. And those who had to keep their racism and hatred to themselves and were banished to the outskirts of polite society were now very excited to have found a place to unite. All that any politician had to do to win their votes was to spew hate and veil any insult toward the left in racist remarks. Of course, they could also use religion, education level and anything else that divided the majority of intelligent Americans from their followers, as well.

Those of us in America who could actually see what was going on watched what was happening and felt confident that it wouldn't last. We were naïve to believe that there weren't enough small minded people in the country to elect these politicians. But what we failed to consider in the equation was how completely gullible their followers were and how easily they would be led. And they were also the ones who were so excited to finally have a voice that they would go out of their way to not only vote, but promote ideas of keeping others from having the same right.

It was clear from the beginning that the politicians didn't even respect their constituents. On September 15, 2012, Rick Santorum was quoted as having said,"We will never have the elite, smart people on our side." This should have offended them, but he put the key word "elite" in there. That is one of their red meat phrases that they have learned to use as a propaganda tool to distract their followers from what they are really doing.

They sincerely need to be a part of something. These racist activists have been on the outside of society for so long and have been so isolated and so condemned that they would probably be willing to put up with a lot to feel the connection and unity of this fellowship that they were finally getting to be a part of. They have ignored the fact that they are repeating rants against themselves. They generally are the poorest of Americans, but they are continually condemning the poor. They rally around the 1% and their rights to do whatever they damn well please in a capitalistic society.

They are willing to oppose their rights to have health care because those leaders who offer them a safe place to be racist members of society tell them it is so wrong and unfair. THEY BELIVE THAT.

The Tea Party members are said to be the most religious of all political parties. And the overwhelming majority identify themselves as being Christian. Yes, that is funny. But they don't know that. They fail to see that the entire message of Jesus was being all about love and doing unto others and all of that. About a decade ago, these same people proudly wore bracelets asking, "WWJD?" Ill bet he wouldn't be at a Tea Party rally holding up a sign condemning other people. Most of them probably can't even define irony, so we can't expect them to understand when they are living it.

The activists are out in masses screaming about those nasty immigrants and demanding their immediate removal. No matter what! Even if the children were born here - just send their parents back then, I don't fucking care. They are so desperate to have people to feel superior to. And they hate the LGBT community. Just like the immigrants, it's just glorious to have someone's rights they can still take away.

So, knowing the needs of their small constituency, their politicians make sure to speak about little else. And, because these activists are not savvy or intelligent enough to see it, they are easily taken advantage of by those in power. I always visualize times when I was a kid and I used to play with a tennis ball in the back yard with my dog, Pepper. I would pretend to throw it and then hide it behind my back. That is what the Tea Party politicians are doing to their voters. They get them all excited about hating gays and Muslims and the poor and black "thugs" and fear of losing their guns and trying to prevent abortion and demanding birth certificates and getting rid of Obamacare that they miss the fact that the only thing they're doing in Washington is wreaking havoc on our democracy and accomplishing absolutely nothing on the promises they've made. Pepper was always too smart to be fooled. The Tea Party are not. They are so eager to have a place to belong that they don't see what they are doing to themselves and the nation they claim to love so much.

A Place to Call Home

Literal: Everyone's homeland is like Kashmir to them. (All people have a natural attachment to their homeland).


Not too long ago, but before my father passed, we were all home for Christmas. My mom, Audrey and I were in the living room with two of my nieces watching a movie. My sister entered the room and told my mom, "Uncle Shane called me and asked for all of our pictures and information on Ken's family, too." Uncle Shane is my grandfathers brother, my moms uncle. My mom told Dawn that he is getting all of the family information together because he is working on a genealogy project. I told my mom, "He hasn't called me." She said, "You won't be in it, Angie," very matter-of-factly. She sounded almost annoyed. Audrey, who never takes my side against Grammy, and also wouldn't that night, quickly glanced at me with a look of pity. She knew that was going to hurt. My moms face showed no acknowledgement of how that must have hurt me. I took a moment to collect myself before speaking. As soon as they realize I am upset they tune me out. It has been conditioned in my family from childhood. I wanted to make sure I had all of this clear. I asked her, "So when the babies grow up," (I call my nieces and nephew, collectively, "the babies", although none of them are even toddlers any more), "So when the babies grow up and have grandchildren of their own who look into their family trees, they will find no mention of the Aunt Gigi and cousin Audrey they had heard stories about? We won't even be there with an asterisk or something?" My mothers face now looked indignant. How dare I try to make her feel bad? Yeah. How dare I?

I went to bed. There is never a less compassionate room than that one. My family determined a long time ago that I am too emotional and to allow me time to "get over it" was the best option in all cases. I cried myself to sleep that night. The fact that I could, in my mid 30s, still bawl about feeling like an outsider in my family is the best way I can think of to explain the disconnect and its pain which come from having been adopted. I have explained my own understanding of my detachment issues (see blog, No, Thanks), which are not all derived from having been adopted, but that is the core of it, for sure.

I feel the need to promote here the fact that my mother loves me. She said what she did matter-of-factly because, to her, it was a matter of fact. She has been a gift in my life that without I would have committed suicide as a teenager. She listened to me cry almost daily back then about my self hatred, and issues of my inability to connect. She was just never able to understand it. Some people are more empathetic than others. She would show me more love than most in my life, but I was never really understood.

Anyway... I was always desperate for something to identify with as a child. I imagine a lot of people may feel fine with identifying their homeland as being America, although it is a land of immigrants, because they have their own family histories and regions to identify with. Having been adopted, though, I feel detached from that. I always had grand ideas of where I must have come from. I bet that is pretty common for adoptees.

When I saw The Godfather, I determined that I wanted to be Italian. That revelation has always kind of scared me. They were mobsters, for Christ's sake. WTF Angie? But lately I have been watching the PBS documentary series called The Italian Americans and it all finally made sense to me. Italians are known for being incredibly close families. As a child, the family seemed to all fit in. They may have had differences of opinion, but they were all a part of a family unit where they would never be denied their role or feel alienated from (I had not seen The Godfather II for quite some time. Poor Fredo). They pulled together and took care of one another and supported one another, no matter what. When Connie was being abused by her husband, her brother went and beat the shit out of him. That is how it should be in a family. I longed for a connection like the ones the Coreleone's had.

From the first time I saw The Godfather I wanted to be Italian. I talked about it. I would speak the word with the long "I." I was adorable. My mom even got me a sweatshirt for Christmas in 8th grade that said "Italia." I was so desperate for something to feel a connection to. I had none, though. I knew that having a sweatshirt and a desire didn't really give me a tie to anything.

When I found my natural mother, she had very little to give me. She didn't want to answer my many questions about her, thus my, history. She was very closed about everything. Her mother, however, was open about some things, including her nationality. It really was beautiful. Not only was she Italian, but she was born in Italy. She came over on a boat at 14 months old. And her last name ended in a vowel. Can you stand it?!? I was Italian. My grandmothers maiden name was Frustaci. I have confidently identified as Italian ever since, even though I really only have knowledge of 1/4 of my ancestry.

I have tried to do some search into my ancestry. I have found very little. Their boat came from southern Italy and their immigration documents say they lived in a place called Calabria. Through the PBS documentary I learned that the Southern Italians are considered the lesser Italians. I could care less. Of course, I didn't have to suffer from the discrimination that they had to, either. I am just glad to have found a place to connect with. I am hoping to find more information about all of my ancestry one day and have opportunities to visit those places. I don't have any desire to find my relatives or anything, I would just like to walk through its streets and learn its history and breathe its air. Since Audrey took me to an OSU football game for my 40th birthday, I would now put that at the top of my bucket list.

#AfghanProverbs #PashtoProverbs #Adoption #Italy #Calabria #Detachment #Ancestry #Frustaci #ItalianAmericans #PBS

Yeah. Maybe Next Time

Literal: Community cannot be created by force.


I am bound to learn this eventually on my journey. If the Buddha had it right and we are meant to return repeatedly until we learn all of our lessons to find pure enlightenment, however, I'm betting it'll be one of those I work on in another life. I can rationalize its truth but my temper leaves me far from the ability to put it to practice. And I am not terribly concerned about it beyond the fact that it makes me less of the person than I aspire to be.

I began my political and cultural awakening as I was entering adulthood. I imagine that is probably the time when most people do. I entered society, found my place in it, looked around and saw the way that things worked in this democracy of ours and determined much of it wasn't working very well. Throughout my 20s and into my 30s I became more passionate about my beliefs and identified them as being a part of my core. They were not bred from a place where I was raised to believe them, they were a part of my genuine understanding of the world, its failures and what we could do together to make it better. For everyone. I have always identified as a liberal or a Democrat. I find much of my personal tenets in the platform, but not all of it. Today, I identify more as a progressive. I like the term better and really couldn't identify its variance intelligently, so I won't try. I have seen failings of those elected with the "D" after their name and decided that, personally, a progress, would be my ideal.

Of course, the progress I aspire to is of my own determination. The whole wide world doesn't often go my way, so I am not naïve enough to believe I would ever be able to affect change on a grand scale to move things toward my own agenda. But it doesn't stop me from trying. And it makes me an asshole. And, to date, I am fine with that.

I have often found little agreement with the Republican platform. I have had sincere respect for some of them, like McCain (who has since lost all respect). But I didn't agree with their agenda and often found their antics petty. Much of my awareness about that was around the time of the Clinton Impeachment trial. It was childish and absurd. I can see every side of this. He was an absolute ass. 100%. If I'd have been his wife, I would have kicked his ass and then left. But fortunately I wasn't. Lewinsky was grown. Had he been the first President we knew about to have had affairs while in the White House, it might have even warranted an investigation because of a possible misuse of power. But he was one in a very long line of noted Presidents who had done the same. The others were either celebrated or made jokes about. None were asked to have a complete distraction from their very important duties to defend themselves against charges which were only meant to distract and create chaos. It was an embarrassment to me as an American. Oh but I had little knowledge of what that meant. The Tea Party was coming so I guess that shit was meant to soften the blow? It didn't.

Through the Rove (Erm, Bush?) years I thought that the country was finally going to really make a severe turn to the left. Everyone would certainly agree that we had no business going into Iraq as retaliation to 9/11, right? Everyone would be pissed that our soldiers were being sent to a place they had no business going and losing their lives for a cause Bush's father had failed to complete, right? Everyone would see that he was absolutely incapable of not only leading our country, but of being remotely credible in diplomatic roles, right? Nope. Apparently they didn't. I wasn't jazzed about Kerry. I liked him fine but he was a Democrat. And no one could fucker up my country worse than it had been in the past 4 years. I was shocked when Bush won again. And then Katrina happened. Honestly?! And many Americans stood behind him. As if any piece of what we knew about his actions (and his ridiculous staff) were appropriate. It was startling.

During the primaries in 2007 I was behind Clinton for a minute because I knew who she was. I worked for her campaign for a bit. I took Audrey downtown to see her at a rally. In her presence, she seemed insincere. More than the normal amount one would expect from a politician. And more than I would want to support. I then started really following up on and becoming excited about Obama. His not-quite-funny jokes reminded me a lot of my dad. Like he was just one inch away from being hip. And that was totally fine with me. I, personally, don't want to have a beer with my President. I'd love for him to be much smarter than I am and as long as he can communicate in foreign circles and work toward peace where he was able, that was good for me. I believed him when he spoke. I believed in his passion about the same issues I was concerned about. I ended up working very hard for his campaign and have never felt more a part of something positive in my life than on election night in 2008. I snotty-face cried when he, Michelle, and the girls came out to cheers of, "Yes we did!" I thought my country was finally on its way toward a more beautiful community that we had waited way too long for.

Immediately we had to deal with a group of Republicans who were less moral than those we had become accustomed to. They called themselves the Tea Party and they were proud to have a single agenda: Blame everything on the black guy. He's black, you know? And we just can't have it. Their leadership met immediately upon his inauguration and agreed to make sure he was unable to accomplish anything. Anything. None of them gave a single thought about what that would do to our country. Or how they were letting down those constituents who had sent them to DC as a representative. Or about the oaths they had taken and we were paying them a healthy stipend to uphold. They just wanted to make a colossal mess of this President and his legacy.

Thankfully, he was re-elected in 2012, but many of the Tea Partiers had been re-elected, too. And more had jumped on board. There was finally a place where the racist morons who had lived on the outskirts of respected society could come together and get their hate on. And they could wrap it all up in their sincere and true love for Jesus Christ himself.

Yeah. So that is where I stand politically and culturally. Of course, I have a lot more opinions but I have dedicated all of my April A2Z Challenge to daily babblings of my varied stances on issues so there will be plenty of time to document Angie's ideal society then.

The fact that people can still shock me is amazing. And I think that is why I still have such a passionate and angry response most times. I still expect people to see things for what they are. I still expect people to want to stand up against the wrong thing. And I have a very sad piece inside of me (I know it is misplaced) that thinks if I give them enough information about whatever they believe then they can finally relent and come over to the left a bit.

It is arrogant. It is ridiculous. But that is where I am. I know how shitty it is to be so convinced of my own omniscience that it is my duty to make everyone else relent. They are just as sincere about their beliefs, right? I am not willing to work on it, though. So here I am. And my enlightenment might have to wait until next time. (wink)